The Next Day

Okay, so the next day I had class all day long. We finally got to talk around 7 that night. We started the conversation off the way you always do when you are both sick of talking about it but you left it unresolved the night before so you gotta finish it. We started off talking at first. I wanted to yell and get angry, but I refrained and listened carefully to everything he was telling me. He told me that he loved more than anything, but he was nowhere as close to me as he once was anymore. He said that everytime I had brought this conversation up (mind you, this is only like 3 days after he found out he can't get me pregnant, I mean...give me a break!!!) I had pushed him further and further away from me. He said that he could not live the rest of his life with such a miserable person because I was making him miserable. He said that he refused to do that to himself. He then bluntly told me that he was not going to see a specialist and if I couldn't handle that or if I couldn't handle not ever mentioning it to him again then I need to pack my things and leave. He also said he never wanted to talk about the fact that he couldn't have kids, and he also didn't want me talking to any of my friends about it either. I understand him not wanting me to do that, I mean, men think for some reason that it insults their manhood, but if I couldn't talk to him or my friends, then who was I supposed to talk about it with??? This blog I guess, but if he ever read it, he would probably have the internet disconnected from our house!

Okay, so I have always been taught "wives, submit to your husbands." I am not going to feed you any crap and say that I always do, most of the time I know I do right the opposite. But I was trying to handle the situation in a real mature, Christian- like way, and I agreed to once agian silence myself. It never occured to me that he was not treating his wife as God commands husbands to do. So that was that, and we haven't spoken about it since, and everything has been great- at least on the outside. But inside I am dying. Seriously. Somewhere, somehow I have lost myself in this marriage. I have forgotten all of the dreams and goals I had for myself. I used to be somebody. I used to be somebody that others wanted to around and "hang out" with. Now I am forced to sit in an empty house (besides my precious 2 year old) most of the time (my husband is a deputy sheriff so he works all the time) and sit around and watch the world pass me by. All I can ever think about is how you are only given one chance in this world and thats it. And it could be over tomorrow. I keep telling myself "Allison, what are you doing??? Why are you settling???" I don't think I ever really considered the things that I would be giving up and how much I would have to change just to keep my husband happy. We never really showed each other our "true selves" until we were married, and now we both see how different we both are. The whole time that I was engaged, I never sat down and thought about what it would be like to be married to Steven. I know I didn't pray as much as I should've. Even though I did pray, my ears were closed to any response that God may have given me because inside, I had my mind already made up. I had that huge rock on my hand and I loved flaunting it, and yes Allison was getting married. Never did we try and prepare ourselves or even think about what marriage would be. I do remember getting mad at him for yelling at me in front of my daughter one time, and I told him "never again" and that the engagement was off. But of course he begged me to forgive him and said it would never happen again so I took him back. Come to think of it, I've never even told anyone about that. But anyway, we played house for the first few months, and then our fights started as I think everyone's do the first year of marriage. We have really had some ups and wayyy downs, and most of those were probably my fault- I can admit that, but nothing we couldn't handle. Problem is we weren't praying like we should and we handled things ourselves. I guess I neer imagined that there would be a curveball thrown and it would be something that we could not handle on our own-infetility, of course. Anyways, like I said, everything has been going great on the outside for like the last three days because I honored what I agreed to do and have not said a word about anything to do with our problem. That is-- until last night.

Even though I am tired of typing, I am not going to "keep you in suspense" and wait until tomorrow to tell you what happened. I am basically just spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere in the argument of trying to get him to see a specialist. He just refuses. But I have accomplished one thing, according to him, I have successfully pushed him even farther away than I did the last time, and if I bring it up again, its over. He says he just cannot take anymore of it. I'm sure it would take more than that for him to leave ( I know that was probably mostly true , but a little exaggerative) but part of me wanted to be like "Really?!?!?!?" "Is that ALL I have to do to get you to leave me, because if it is, let me bring it up again, rrrright now!!!" I just have so much anger towards him right now that I wish he would leave. I mean, he is just not compromising and isn't that what marriage is all about? I mean how can he tell me that I can never bring this issue up ever again with anybody. I mean, he has seriously lost his mind!!! But tonight, once again, I agreed to never bring it up to him again (about going to see a specialist.) I did tell him if I am going to respect his feelings and not keep pressuring him about going to the specalist, then he needed to respect my feelings, and realize that sometimes I am gonna cry and be upset, and he is going to have to keep from getting angry about it and be there for me. Not talk about it with me- just simply be there for me. He said he could handle doing that. We'll see. I am sure anyone reading this can probably predict our fate and I know that I can too probably, but for now, I guess you could say I'm just biding my time.

On the contrary though, and most importantly, I am taking a step back and I am giving all of this to the Lord. I just can't do it anymore, really, I can't. I don't think God is going to give me anything I can't handle, so hopefully everything will work out for us. I told Steven this exact same thing tonigh at dinner, but he was like "No, I'm telling you, you bring it up again, and its over. I'm not playing." I said "Okay, well if thats the attitude you are going to carry with you along this journey then I can tell you right now we will fail, and I'm not so sure I care if we do anymore." He didn't comment, but we had dinner and did the Wal-Mart thing, and have been getting along fine. I think I am just too tired to even have the deire to even fight about it anymore- so maybe I won't ever bring it up again??? Naaah, no way. There will come a day...

* I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have been leaving comments and emailing me. All of you have meant so much to me, more than you'll ever know. Its so weird that someone on my computer screen can have such an impact on my emotional well-being. But you all make me feel so much better when I get on here and see that you all care enough to read what I have to say and give me your advice and most of all, your prayers. So please, don't stop!!

How My Husband Feels



The hardest part of this whole infertility thing is that my husband no longer cares that we won't be able to have kids. He was upset for like maybe 24 hours and now he does not want me to even mention it. Everyone keeps telling me that "oh, he does care, its just hard for men to show their feelings" but I really don't think this is the case in our situation. He has never been big on wanting to have kids and he has always told me that if I never wanted to have anymore kids, then it would be fine with him. He has always said that he loves my daughter just like she is his, and she is enough for him. I have always told him, on the other hand, that I have always wanted around 3 kids, and I even told him after he proposed that he had to promise me that we could have at least one kid. He said one would be okay. Now let me stop right here and clarify something. I realize that this is sounding like maybe me and my husband don't need a baby b/c obviously my husband wouldn't want it. Before anyone says anything hurtful like that, let me just tell you that my husband is an excellant father to my daughter and if we were to ever have a kid, he would LOVE it. He's just a 25 year old guy right now and making babies just still isn't top on his priority list, I don't know if it ever will be, and he has even said that he won't ever have to have a baby to make him be hapy. He just simply says there are took many other things in life that make him happy already and he doesn't NEED anything else. ????? I don't understand!!!! About the third day after we found out he has a zero count, he told me that he will not go to see a specialist to see about any other procedures ( and there are some options for some men, sometimes sperm can be extracted form the testicles), he does not want to use donor sperm (and I can understand this), he will probably never want to adopt and if I can't handle any of that then I needed to leave him. He said that everytime I said anything on the issue it made his "blood boil" and if I was going to continue moping around and crying then he didn't want to stay married. He said that he was over it and that life goes on and if I could't move on and not keep bringing it up then I needed to leave him because I "was not going to make HIM miserable." So I then proceeded to say "okay, well I guess this means I just can't be with you then." We stayed up half the night discussing how we would divide everything up, how we were going to tell our families, and etc... He cried and I cried. Neither one of us wanted it but we both wanted to be happy. He said he'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, although the urologist warned him it might, but his main concern was for my happiness. He said "I can be happy without a kid, you can't." How much simpler can the reason we should split ways be laid out for us. I agreed. He went to bed and about an hour later I came to bed crying, wrapped my arms around him and told him I was sorry for ever saying that I wanted out and could he please forgive me. He told me he was glad that I changed my mind and we could work through this. He told me we would talk things over the next day and get everything resolved. The next day, I agreed to do something that I now deeply regret.

* My husband is begging me to get off the computer now so he can use it so I will have to finish this tomorrow!!! Gah!!! Men!!!

My First Post



Well, this is my first post- so here goes. I began looking at blogs after my cousin, Anna, introduced them to me a few weeks ago. She is my first cousin, but has lived in Florida for years now, therefore we haven't been as close as we used to be until here recently. A few months ago I phoned her to catch up on lost time. I had no idea at the time, but after a few conversations with her, I learned that she was suffering from infertility. As cold- hearted as this sounds, I never even really considered this as an issue. I just never took the time to think about what that would be like. I have never known anyone who was not able to have children. Well... let me take that back... I guess I really do know several people couples that can't have children, but once again, I had never even thought twice about infertility. It was something I never had to deal with and it was just that. I never knew what was about to happen to me.

With that said, let me start by giving a little history about me. I grew up in a very loving, Christian home. I have always known right from wrong. But as most of us do, I went a little "wild" in college. Not really wild so-to-speak, but I did a few things that I was raisesd not to do. My second semester in college I found out that I was pregnant. When my boyfriend found at that I was pregnant, well..., he ran. My parents were very hurt to say the least, but they always loved me, and I moved out of the dorms and back in with them at the end of my first year of college. In November 2003, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl Aspen. Six months later I met my soul mate, and we were married in January 2005. Everything has been great this first year and a half of our marriage, despite the common ups and downs the first year of marriage usually brings. I love my husband very much and I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.

Now, revert back to the present. About a month ago I finally talked my husband, SW, into going to the doctor to see if he had any fertility problems. We have been trying to get pregnant ever since we got married, and it has been a little over a year and a half now so I knew something must be wrong. We now know that my husband will never be able to have kids. My world went from being pretty close to perfect to falling apart in about the ten seconds it took him to tell me the bad news. I now know that infertililty is definitely an issue for many people. A big issue. Major issue. I now know that infertility is an issue that couples suffer from everyday. Gah, how my hurt aches for everyone who struggles with this. It is unimaginable pain that I will never be able to fully understand since I was so blessed to have my daughter that I had previous to my marriage. So who am I to be upset, right? I mean, how dare me to feel sorry for myself when so many other women will never have the chance to have even one child. I should be grateful that God gave me that- and I am. Believe me- I am SOOO grateful for that and I thank God everyday for my precious daughter. But the pain is still there, there's no denying it. It is like a death. Yes, I can have children, but my husband can't- therefore I can't. So it was just like being told that I could not have kids as well because with my husabnd, I can't. My husband is okay with the news, as he has never had that feeling of having to have kids to live a fulfilled life. But I am not okay. Not at all. I have gone into a deep depression and I am honestly worried that things will never be okay for me. I find that I can no longer pay attention in class anymore, I cannot sleep, and all I can do is think about and search the internet for articles that have anything to do with infertility or adoption. I have been very moody lately as well. I have been so mean to those who are close to me that I shock myself. I do not know who I am anymore. I have gone mad. It is so scary to lose control like I have.

Now, getting back to what I was originally talking about, my cousin Anna. She is the ONLY person who understands what I am going through, as I now understand what she has been having to go through all alone for the last couple of years now (I think we must be the first two in our huge family that are having this problem.) How guilty I feel for never being there for her before now. God Bless Her. Well, she is the one who showed me how therapeutic blogging can be, and I am starting this blog to try to learn to cope with infertility as so many other people are on here for. I have read so many blogs that have been unbelievably inspirational to me. So now I have decided to start my own as a sort of therapy for myself, and maybe someone else will be inspired by blog. There are so many things that this bad news has brought on in my life and in my marriage, and I will probably talk about a lot of it in later posts. I have no idea what God has in store for my future, but I will tell you that I am very scared. This trial has definitely tested my relationship with Christ, and I can already see myself drawing nearer to the Him, where I used to be, but let life get in the way. A speaker at our church this morning said something like this: "Many people never turn to God until something happens that no one else can help. Then they realize that there is NOTHING that God can't handle, and that we should ALWAYS call upon Him instead of the world." I had prayed last night that the message today would really speak to me and the situation that I am going though right now. What an awesome God we serve.. an answered prayer!! Thank you Lord!!! It was something that I really needed to hear. Praise be to God!!!

I just also want to say thank you to Anna if you are reading this. You are the only one in my life who understands the pain, and I am so sorry that you have to be that person. I know that God IS going to bless you and MC and I love y'all very much. God is going to get both of us through our trials and we both already know this. We have to start trusting in Him and put it in His hands, and LET Him take it out of ours. I think that is the only way we will be able to keep our sanity!!! You have meant more to me in the last couple of weeks than you will ever know, and for that I thank you. I love you girl.