My First Post



Well, this is my first post- so here goes. I began looking at blogs after my cousin, Anna, introduced them to me a few weeks ago. She is my first cousin, but has lived in Florida for years now, therefore we haven't been as close as we used to be until here recently. A few months ago I phoned her to catch up on lost time. I had no idea at the time, but after a few conversations with her, I learned that she was suffering from infertility. As cold- hearted as this sounds, I never even really considered this as an issue. I just never took the time to think about what that would be like. I have never known anyone who was not able to have children. Well... let me take that back... I guess I really do know several people couples that can't have children, but once again, I had never even thought twice about infertility. It was something I never had to deal with and it was just that. I never knew what was about to happen to me.

With that said, let me start by giving a little history about me. I grew up in a very loving, Christian home. I have always known right from wrong. But as most of us do, I went a little "wild" in college. Not really wild so-to-speak, but I did a few things that I was raisesd not to do. My second semester in college I found out that I was pregnant. When my boyfriend found at that I was pregnant, well..., he ran. My parents were very hurt to say the least, but they always loved me, and I moved out of the dorms and back in with them at the end of my first year of college. In November 2003, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl Aspen. Six months later I met my soul mate, and we were married in January 2005. Everything has been great this first year and a half of our marriage, despite the common ups and downs the first year of marriage usually brings. I love my husband very much and I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.

Now, revert back to the present. About a month ago I finally talked my husband, SW, into going to the doctor to see if he had any fertility problems. We have been trying to get pregnant ever since we got married, and it has been a little over a year and a half now so I knew something must be wrong. We now know that my husband will never be able to have kids. My world went from being pretty close to perfect to falling apart in about the ten seconds it took him to tell me the bad news. I now know that infertililty is definitely an issue for many people. A big issue. Major issue. I now know that infertility is an issue that couples suffer from everyday. Gah, how my hurt aches for everyone who struggles with this. It is unimaginable pain that I will never be able to fully understand since I was so blessed to have my daughter that I had previous to my marriage. So who am I to be upset, right? I mean, how dare me to feel sorry for myself when so many other women will never have the chance to have even one child. I should be grateful that God gave me that- and I am. Believe me- I am SOOO grateful for that and I thank God everyday for my precious daughter. But the pain is still there, there's no denying it. It is like a death. Yes, I can have children, but my husband can't- therefore I can't. So it was just like being told that I could not have kids as well because with my husabnd, I can't. My husband is okay with the news, as he has never had that feeling of having to have kids to live a fulfilled life. But I am not okay. Not at all. I have gone into a deep depression and I am honestly worried that things will never be okay for me. I find that I can no longer pay attention in class anymore, I cannot sleep, and all I can do is think about and search the internet for articles that have anything to do with infertility or adoption. I have been very moody lately as well. I have been so mean to those who are close to me that I shock myself. I do not know who I am anymore. I have gone mad. It is so scary to lose control like I have.

Now, getting back to what I was originally talking about, my cousin Anna. She is the ONLY person who understands what I am going through, as I now understand what she has been having to go through all alone for the last couple of years now (I think we must be the first two in our huge family that are having this problem.) How guilty I feel for never being there for her before now. God Bless Her. Well, she is the one who showed me how therapeutic blogging can be, and I am starting this blog to try to learn to cope with infertility as so many other people are on here for. I have read so many blogs that have been unbelievably inspirational to me. So now I have decided to start my own as a sort of therapy for myself, and maybe someone else will be inspired by blog. There are so many things that this bad news has brought on in my life and in my marriage, and I will probably talk about a lot of it in later posts. I have no idea what God has in store for my future, but I will tell you that I am very scared. This trial has definitely tested my relationship with Christ, and I can already see myself drawing nearer to the Him, where I used to be, but let life get in the way. A speaker at our church this morning said something like this: "Many people never turn to God until something happens that no one else can help. Then they realize that there is NOTHING that God can't handle, and that we should ALWAYS call upon Him instead of the world." I had prayed last night that the message today would really speak to me and the situation that I am going though right now. What an awesome God we serve.. an answered prayer!! Thank you Lord!!! It was something that I really needed to hear. Praise be to God!!!

I just also want to say thank you to Anna if you are reading this. You are the only one in my life who understands the pain, and I am so sorry that you have to be that person. I know that God IS going to bless you and MC and I love y'all very much. God is going to get both of us through our trials and we both already know this. We have to start trusting in Him and put it in His hands, and LET Him take it out of ours. I think that is the only way we will be able to keep our sanity!!! You have meant more to me in the last couple of weeks than you will ever know, and for that I thank you. I love you girl.