The Next Day

Okay, so the next day I had class all day long. We finally got to talk around 7 that night. We started the conversation off the way you always do when you are both sick of talking about it but you left it unresolved the night before so you gotta finish it. We started off talking at first. I wanted to yell and get angry, but I refrained and listened carefully to everything he was telling me. He told me that he loved more than anything, but he was nowhere as close to me as he once was anymore. He said that everytime I had brought this conversation up (mind you, this is only like 3 days after he found out he can't get me pregnant, I mean...give me a break!!!) I had pushed him further and further away from me. He said that he could not live the rest of his life with such a miserable person because I was making him miserable. He said that he refused to do that to himself. He then bluntly told me that he was not going to see a specialist and if I couldn't handle that or if I couldn't handle not ever mentioning it to him again then I need to pack my things and leave. He also said he never wanted to talk about the fact that he couldn't have kids, and he also didn't want me talking to any of my friends about it either. I understand him not wanting me to do that, I mean, men think for some reason that it insults their manhood, but if I couldn't talk to him or my friends, then who was I supposed to talk about it with??? This blog I guess, but if he ever read it, he would probably have the internet disconnected from our house!

Okay, so I have always been taught "wives, submit to your husbands." I am not going to feed you any crap and say that I always do, most of the time I know I do right the opposite. But I was trying to handle the situation in a real mature, Christian- like way, and I agreed to once agian silence myself. It never occured to me that he was not treating his wife as God commands husbands to do. So that was that, and we haven't spoken about it since, and everything has been great- at least on the outside. But inside I am dying. Seriously. Somewhere, somehow I have lost myself in this marriage. I have forgotten all of the dreams and goals I had for myself. I used to be somebody. I used to be somebody that others wanted to around and "hang out" with. Now I am forced to sit in an empty house (besides my precious 2 year old) most of the time (my husband is a deputy sheriff so he works all the time) and sit around and watch the world pass me by. All I can ever think about is how you are only given one chance in this world and thats it. And it could be over tomorrow. I keep telling myself "Allison, what are you doing??? Why are you settling???" I don't think I ever really considered the things that I would be giving up and how much I would have to change just to keep my husband happy. We never really showed each other our "true selves" until we were married, and now we both see how different we both are. The whole time that I was engaged, I never sat down and thought about what it would be like to be married to Steven. I know I didn't pray as much as I should've. Even though I did pray, my ears were closed to any response that God may have given me because inside, I had my mind already made up. I had that huge rock on my hand and I loved flaunting it, and yes Allison was getting married. Never did we try and prepare ourselves or even think about what marriage would be. I do remember getting mad at him for yelling at me in front of my daughter one time, and I told him "never again" and that the engagement was off. But of course he begged me to forgive him and said it would never happen again so I took him back. Come to think of it, I've never even told anyone about that. But anyway, we played house for the first few months, and then our fights started as I think everyone's do the first year of marriage. We have really had some ups and wayyy downs, and most of those were probably my fault- I can admit that, but nothing we couldn't handle. Problem is we weren't praying like we should and we handled things ourselves. I guess I neer imagined that there would be a curveball thrown and it would be something that we could not handle on our own-infetility, of course. Anyways, like I said, everything has been going great on the outside for like the last three days because I honored what I agreed to do and have not said a word about anything to do with our problem. That is-- until last night.

Even though I am tired of typing, I am not going to "keep you in suspense" and wait until tomorrow to tell you what happened. I am basically just spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere in the argument of trying to get him to see a specialist. He just refuses. But I have accomplished one thing, according to him, I have successfully pushed him even farther away than I did the last time, and if I bring it up again, its over. He says he just cannot take anymore of it. I'm sure it would take more than that for him to leave ( I know that was probably mostly true , but a little exaggerative) but part of me wanted to be like "Really?!?!?!?" "Is that ALL I have to do to get you to leave me, because if it is, let me bring it up again, rrrright now!!!" I just have so much anger towards him right now that I wish he would leave. I mean, he is just not compromising and isn't that what marriage is all about? I mean how can he tell me that I can never bring this issue up ever again with anybody. I mean, he has seriously lost his mind!!! But tonight, once again, I agreed to never bring it up to him again (about going to see a specialist.) I did tell him if I am going to respect his feelings and not keep pressuring him about going to the specalist, then he needed to respect my feelings, and realize that sometimes I am gonna cry and be upset, and he is going to have to keep from getting angry about it and be there for me. Not talk about it with me- just simply be there for me. He said he could handle doing that. We'll see. I am sure anyone reading this can probably predict our fate and I know that I can too probably, but for now, I guess you could say I'm just biding my time.

On the contrary though, and most importantly, I am taking a step back and I am giving all of this to the Lord. I just can't do it anymore, really, I can't. I don't think God is going to give me anything I can't handle, so hopefully everything will work out for us. I told Steven this exact same thing tonigh at dinner, but he was like "No, I'm telling you, you bring it up again, and its over. I'm not playing." I said "Okay, well if thats the attitude you are going to carry with you along this journey then I can tell you right now we will fail, and I'm not so sure I care if we do anymore." He didn't comment, but we had dinner and did the Wal-Mart thing, and have been getting along fine. I think I am just too tired to even have the deire to even fight about it anymore- so maybe I won't ever bring it up again??? Naaah, no way. There will come a day...

* I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have been leaving comments and emailing me. All of you have meant so much to me, more than you'll ever know. Its so weird that someone on my computer screen can have such an impact on my emotional well-being. But you all make me feel so much better when I get on here and see that you all care enough to read what I have to say and give me your advice and most of all, your prayers. So please, don't stop!!